hAna_RaE's Xanga

Monday, January 09, 2006

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 04:41:34 GMT

I've been thinking of shutting down this site. It's just one of the little drawbacks of being on scholarship. I don't get it. Why bother about what we do in our personal lives as long as we bring in the grades and stay out of trouble with the law? It sucks to think that maybe, just maybe, the things I do or say or think or believe or even wear (all of which I lay out here for my friends to read) could one day be used against me. I don't get the damn mentality that's at play here.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Sun, 08 Jan 2006 10:32:29 GMT

I was at the nearest MPH a little while ago, and I was thinking that the best gift someone could give me right now was unlimited and unhurried browsing time in either Borders or Kinokuniya bookstore and a huge wad of cash for me to buy my selected books with.

But y'know, hot new shoes from the Adidas by Stella McCartney collection would be just fine too

[09:39:42 PM] This is FaDz: u got any dance shoes?
[09:40:08 PM] Rae: what do u mean by dance shoes?
[09:40:14 PM] This is FaDz: i found lawa adidas shoes made by stella
mccartney
[09:40:34 PM] This is FaDz: i wanna buy it for u
[09:40:43 PM] Rae; changed: *SQUEAL*

These babies are waiting for me in Melbourne. Thank you babe!

Okay, enough bragging. Bye kids!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 11:10:30 GMT

I have never been so excited to be studying economics
It's a good read, seriously.

[10:16:20 AM] Rae: ooh, i got this book called freakonomics
[10:16:24 AM] elaine: ...
[10:16:36 AM] elaine: that is the nerdiest thing i've ever
heard you go 'ooh' after.

Another reason for wanting desperately to go back to Melbourne: I am bored of not having anything definite to do each day. I want some structure in my life. I want to go back to class and learn. This might explain why I'm already starting to look for textbooks. Can someone please tell me why textbooks are so bloody expensive in Australia? (Actually, I can think of a few economics-related answers, courtesy of Ms. Raja back in Sunway but meh, never mind). 3 out of the 4 textbooks I need this semester are all priced at over AUD100. Babi-ness. I'd better be able to find most of them here.

Fellow budak scholar, is my mother right in saying that we're getting a book allowance for this year too? I think she's wrong but heh, I'm hoping she's right.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 11:06:31 GMT

The brother has yet to cease doing really immature things.

Yesterday - my shorts were tossed in the small trash can in my room.
Today - my e-mail address was deleted from the sign in menu on MSN Messenger.

My foot cream from The Body Shop is still missing. No prizes for guessing who's probably behind it; I know exactly where I left it and it's not there anymore.

I really don't know what else to say or think. I'm still giving the mother the cold shoulder simply because I'm sick and tired of her siding him. If I say anything to her about what he's been doing, I'll just get even more pissed off because she'll just mutter something about "Gaduh la lagi" blah blah blah and not tell him off or something. Same old same old.

I told Fadz about how all my life, I was taught to mengalah (give in) to whatever my brother wanted simply because he was the younger one. Fadz was incredulous because normally it's the other way around. The younger one should give in to the older sibling and respect them. That was what he was taught; from what I can see, that was what Mazue and Haddy's siblings were taught, same goes for Ika. Fadz has seen for himself what a brat my brother can be and how disrespectful he is towards me. He told me that if he ever treated his two older sisters the way my brother treated me the night we were at A&W after the Linkin Park concert, his father would've given him a tight slap across the face. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case in my family. My brother always got his way; no one would've scolded him for treating me like that.

I've always felt like I just didn't belong in this family. I don't think anyone really made me feel wanted.

new year resolutions and other thoughts

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 04:19:17 GMT

New Year's Eve was spent at Adrian's bbq. Very fun. Adrian made this killer sauce to go with the meat and chicken; it's just mayo and parsley but we were all licking the sauce while waiting for the meat to cook, it was that good. Lan had the honour of being the first one to make a fool of himself in 2006 - when he salam Adrian's mum just before we left, he actually said to her "Thanks for coming!"

o_0

Cue much laughter from everyone around, and a bemused look on Adrian's mum's face.

Resolutions, so far:
- Visit one interesting place in Melbourne each month.
- Finally make my way to Sydney to see Arif (and meet his housemates, hehe).

Considering the fact that my resolutions so far involve travel, I'm wondering if I should splurge on that guidebook to Australia that I found in Borders. The price is a bit steep, in my opinion - around RM90. What I liked about it was that it had loads of details about the various places worth visiting in Australia; things like how to get there (they actually tell which you which trams to take and from what street), how much admission tickets cost, what the price range is (for restaurants) and best of all, whether that place is really worth visiting. According to that book, the Melbourne Aquarium is seriously overrated. Ika disagrees, but the woman does have a thing for sharks so yeah Anyway, I figured that the book would be a really handy thing to have lying around for the next two years since it covers all the different states in Australia.

I am so over being in Malaysia. I want to go back to Melbourne. I'm sick of being in the presence of my immediate family - read: mother and brother. I want to go back to Melbourne with Lan and Mazue in my suitcase; they're the two people I miss most when I'm there anyway.

The boyfriend's going back to Melbourne tonight, but I'm trying not to think about it too much. I won't be able to talk to him for at least a week since his mother and sister are going with him and they'll be keeping him occupied, and texting will be a problem considering the fact that my damn mother didn't change my Maxis account (which she pays for) from a corporate one to an individual one before the deadline they gave her and I'll be using a Celcom prepaid line until she fixes the problem, IF she does. The prepaid account has about RM4 worth of credit left. Did I mention that my mother is refusing to give me money?

I want to go back to Melbourne, dammit!

/edit: If I do get that guidebook, I'll be using the credit card to pay for it. It might seem a bit spoilt of me to complain that my mother doesn't give me any money, then turn around and charge things on the credit card that she gave me. Look at it this way: do mamak stalls accept credit cards? I spend most of my money on food when I go out, and on the other essentials (toiletries, etc) that I cannot wait until the weekend (the only time my mother is around) to buy. The food situation cannot always be remedied by eating at home, not when you're like me and you get headaches and nausea when you go too long between meals. It is a bitch not to have cash on hand. I miss being able to EFTPOS things.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 02:24:08 GMT

Wednesday, 28 December 2005 - I was watching America's Next Top Model on Channel [V]. I got up during the commercial to get something in the next room. When I got back, the brother had switched channels and taken control of the remote. I take it back, protesting that I was watching ANTM and wanted to see who got kicked off in that episode. The brother angrily replies "Fine!". I knew even then that he was going to do something in retaliation, but I figured it'd just be that he'll play his stupid Warcraft thing until late that night and it'd be hard to get him out of my room when I wanted to go to sleep later. For those of you who don't know, the brat moved into MY room while I was gone (without my consent) and now his computer is in there, resulting in daily battles when I want to be in the room alone to change clothes or whatever and he's at the computer. Anyway, that wasn't what he did.

What he did was this: He deleted ALL the photos in my camera. Photos that I had not uploaded to my laptop. Photos of me and Fadz taken over this past week. Photos that cannot be replaced.

That fucking brat is 17 years old.

What.
The.
Fuck.

At 17, you're supposed to be more mature than this.

And if that wasn't enough, my mother didn't do anything about it. Of course she wouldn't; he's her golden boy.

See why I never miss my family while I'm in Melbourne? I get homesick for the mamak stalls and teh o ais limau, I miss Mazue and Lan and everyone else still in Malaysia but I never miss my fucking family. Shit like this reminds me why.

Last night, God only knows what I did to piss him off but again I found my jeans near the trashcan (he did that on Wednesday too). I picked up the remote control to the air cond and hit the "ON" button, but nothing happened. My spider sense (haha) told me that the brat was involved. Turns out he switched the main power thing off.

o_0

That amused me more than anything else really. Train of thought was as follows:

"Haih. There is a reason why my teachers in high school remember me. There is a reason why I got all those As for my SPM. There is a reason why I got a scholarship. There is a reason why I'm in bloody Melbourne Uni. There is a reason why I got invited to consider going for Honours year TWICE. That reason is this: I AM NOT STUPID YOU BLOODY FOOL!!! I'm smart, smarter than you are, you piece of shit! DID YOU REALLY THINK THAT I WOULDN'T THINK TO CHECK THE DAMN MAIN POWER THING?!"

Babi betul.

I'm not in a good place right now. I'm angry, angrier than I've ever been at anyone related to me. It's not just my brother, it's my mother too. She's a classic example of how people can completely change their opinions of a person after that person has died. She's idealised the memory of him; she's turned him into something he's not. I made an offhand comment about how I didn't want to be buried next to my father when I died and she asked me what he'd ever done to me to make me hate him that much.

That just broke my heart. How could she not know? How the fuck could she say that to me? She was fucking there and she saw how that old man treated me all those years, and she can turn around now and ask me what he'd done to me to make me hate him? She was the one who told my cousin Lokman that my dad treated me like an unwanted stepchild. How could she ask me that?

That one question explained so much. I never understood why she mourned when he died. I never understood why she was so broken up about his death. Their marriage was all but dead when he died, and yet she cried and cried and she missed him. I hung back because I didn't share those feelings. I didn't hate my father. The hatred I felt as a child had evolved into indifference. "The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." As the years went by, I came to not care at all about him. We were strangers living in the same house. He was never a part of any of the decisions I made about my life. I left for UTP without telling him. I came back and went to Sunway College without telling him. I lived my life without any input from him, and I liked it that way. Let my brother be the one whose life he meddled in; I didn't care for the attention he bestowed on the boy.

And then he died and try as I might, I couldn't be sad.

once upon a time i had an ass

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 11:48:40 GMT

I found the old denim shorts I used to run around school in during sports practices, and best of all, I still fit into them. Fadz is going to be one happy boy. Let's just say that those shorts were what caught his eye back in school

Anyway, I went out with the boyfriend yesterday. I'd like to think we're easing back into our old routine of going out together in search of food. We headed to OU since I owed him dinner at Chilli's. He drove my car, I sat in the passenger seat and camwhored. Just like old times

I purposely left my camera with him just to make sure that I get to see him for a little bit sometime over the weekend. I constantly remind myself that he's back here to see his friends, and that I get to spend most of the year with him in Melbourne so it's not a big deal if he'd prefer to hang out with his friends more while he's home, but hey, it's hard. I've missed him too (even if I was away from him for only a month or so).

Friday, December 23, 2005

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 02:12:35 GMT

Hello.

Lack of posts due to the fact that my idiot brother put a password on the computer, thus preventing me from going online. I'm only online now pun because the mother had to pay some bills online and therefore threatened god-knows-what to get him to let her use the computer, and then once she was done, she yelled at me to come use the computer. HAH.

I hate my brother.

Dan Smudger, Happy Belated Birthday!!! I'm soooo sorry I couldn't wish you myself online or something. We'll go celebrate when you get home k?

In other news, my boyfriend is home!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 01:09:00 GMT

Mazue told me last night that she'll be in college at around 9.30am today and that I'm going to keep her company while she runs errands in college. I protested loudly at having to be awake and ready to go by 9.30am when my usual routine is to wake up at 9.30am and berguling in bed until around 11am. However, I still dragged myself out of bed early this morning, and at 9.20am all I had left to do was blow-dry my hair.

At 9.20am this morning, Mazura called me and asked what I was doing ... then she announced that she herself had just woken up.

BITCH

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 09:52:14 GMT

I find Hugh Laurie, the guy who plays Dr. House, to be attractive. If I were 30 years older and he was in the same room as me, I'd hit on him.

The mother cannot make up her mind whether she's following me back to Melbourne or not. Frustrating k. I got all psyched up and now this. Ugh.

I wish I could see what life would have been like if Lan had come to Sri KL in Form 4 and met Fadz and Shazril 2 years earlier. I reckon the school ustaz would have either died an early death or had a lot more grey hair in his head.

I wish there was a way of finding out what my life would have been like if my parents had made some different choices in the past. We used to live in Ampang and my parents had a choice of moving either to Bangsar or to Subang; what if they'd picked Bangsar and not Subang? Then I'd have been from Sri Cempaka, not Sri KL. What if my father had taken that job offer and moved us all to Perth? I could've been an Aussie-fied Malay girl, which I find very fascinating.

The Taman Tun clan are here. I'm off.